I’ve seen enough episodes of “Cops” and “The Real World” to know exactly how your St. Patrick’s TAP* is going to end. Everybody’s having a great time, singing along to Chumbawumba, drinking green beer, playfully pinching each other (insert ‘snake banishing’ innuendo here). At some point throughout this bastardized holiday though, whether while defending your 1/8 Irish heritage, or after some guy in a Sox cap spills his beer all over you, you’re gonna have to throw down. This collection of songs are ones that I have imagined beating people’s ass to, or, more realistically, getting my ass beat to. Have your ice pack and Neosporin handy and get ready to Shamrock ‘n’ Roll (yes, really).
(*Yeah, I missed the actual St. Patrick’s deadline, but apparently so did Amherst College Social Council. I’m all up for vacuous excuses to drink but, really? Hey, at least we get a WAMHblog post out of it!)
Andrew W.K. “Party til You Puke”
Andrew W.K. has built his career off of floor-punching anthems that may or may not all be the same exact song (hey, it worked for AC/DC), so it would be blasphemous to not include him. For a far more fitting video accompaniment though, head on over to youtube and search “Party til You Puke, Meatballs” to see a bunch of frat boys literally partying til they puke. But, WARNING, as gross as meatballs look going in, they look a lot grosser comin’ out (as do most things).
The Donnas “Get Rid of That Girl”
Four teenage girls yelling “KILL! KILL! KILL!” is enough to get anyone revved up. If some bittie starts givin’ you the stank eye, just shoot her one of the many killer looks from this video (:09, :26, :38, 1:04 ) and she’ll know you mean business.
Guns ‘n’ Roses “You’re Crazy”
Axl Rose knows a thing or two about inciting riots- more famously for not playing music (Montreal, 1992, when Axl refused to go on after Metallica cut their set short because James Hetfield was SET ON FIRE). But for a guy who has a Wikipedia subheading entitled “Riots, rants, and legal troubles,” this song is pretty reflective of the amount of physical pain Guns ‘n’ Roses has caused over the years.
The Gossip “Standing in the Way of Control”
Granted, this song may be better suited for a fight at a GAP, but when someone walks into the party wearing the SAME EXACT sequin pants and cutoff “Frankie Says Relax” t-shirt as you, that bitch is going down, and it’s gonna be to the beat of this song.
James Brown “Get Up Offa That Thing”
This song is strictly reserved for fighting “the man” (in this case, English imperialists) or the fuzz when they try to kick you out of the bar after you attempt to start a wet t-shirt contest by “accidentally” spilling glasses of water down girls’ shirts.
Link Wray “Rumble”
Again, this song can’t be bandied about every time you want to fight some dude who cut you in line at the panini grill. This song should be used only when there is a long-term, deep-seated, vengeful rivalry. Or, naturally, if there is going to be a quick-draw duel in an empty, dusty road (which are plentiful in Ireland).